My relationship with running.

 

Crappy quality on the picture, but I'm using it anyway because it combines something I love (The Critic) with something that, well, some days I love and some days I just kinda don't like (running).

Notice I didn't use the word "hate." Now, had you asked me my thoughts on running 3, 5, or even 15 years ago, I would've said, without flinching, that I hated running. I came to hate something simply because I couldn't do it (or, at least convinced myself that I couldn't). How silly is that? It got me thinking about a lot of other things that I can't do (yeah, yeah, "You can do ANYTHING if you just put your mind to it, Tam!"- let's just ignore that thought for the sake of me making a point, yeah?), but that I don't necessarily hate. I can't fly an airplane, but that doesn't make me hate the mechanics involved or become deathly jealous of pilots.

I hated running because it was hard for me to do. It made me wheeze and my lungs burn. I was jealous of everyone else that could run. And little did I know at the time that it was really my extra weight and lack of overall fitness that I hated. Running was just something more specific that I could point to. A scapegoat, if you will.

As I got older (teen years and early 20s), I started to jokingly say "I couldn't run to save my life." Well, I've not only saved my life by learning to run, I've added years to it. It's times like these I wish I could time travel to the past and point and laugh in the face of my 16 year old self. I like to be a hater like that.

So how did I manage to pull a 180? Why do I now regularly participate in an activity that I used to loathe and mock? Well, I can't answer that specifically... I think lots of things happened over time. I matured. I finally realized how important it was for me to lose weight and get healthy. Running just became part of the process, naturally. And before I knew it, I was constantly beating my own personal records. I remember how shocked and proud I was that day I first jogged 10 minutes non-stop. I think that was a breakthrough for me. I used to have flashbacks of middle-school gym class (still do) where everybody had to run a mile on the track. I was dead last. I think I jogged for less than 30 seconds and walked the rest of the way. So the 10 minute jog? Yeah, that was kind of a big deal. Which got me thinking: I'm kind of a big deal.

After my success in jogging, I knew (or felt, rather) that running was the next step. Sure, I could have stuck to jogging, but it became noticeably easier each time and I just got bored. I had wanted to run. I knew it was gonna be a while and that there would be plenty of cramps and soreness along the way, but I decided I was still up for the challenge. I just did it. There are few things in life I can say that about. And I'm still shocked that running is now one of them.

I pushed through a 5 mile run this morning. At first, I was disappointed because I just wasn't feeling it and my time was slower than last Saturday (longest 50:25 of my life, it seemed), but as the morning went on, I thought about the run more and more and couldn't help but smile. "Tamara, you crazy broad, you got out of bed at 4:45 this morning and freakin' ran 5 miles! And you're boo-hooing over 50:25?! Fuh-get about it!"

I'm notorious for not cutting myself enough slack. But that's old news. What I started thinking about even more was my general relationship with running and whether or not I can really call myself a true runner. Is such a thing defined? Or is it all relative?

At the end of the day, I run because: it keeps my anxiety/depression at bay, clears my head, makes me sweat buckets, doesn't require thinking and gives me something to do while I listen to music. Oh, and it like, gives me purpose and a sense of accomplishment er something...

But I'm not as dedicated as others. You won't find me running outside if it's below 50 degrees, nor will you see me signing up for any races or marathons. And I certainly don't run every day. In fact, in my history of being able to run, I'm sure you'll find times where I made excuses not to run (though I'm proud to say that such excuses are rare these days). I don't always achieve the Runner's High. Some days I'm distracted during my runs (like this morning). Some runs hurt and make me want to stop. So does that make me an amateur? Less genuine?

I dunno. I suppose I don't really care. All I know is that, regardless of my mileage, speed and days per week, I still haven't stopped. And that's gotta count for something, right?

Nostalgia.

Yesterday, I was feeling a bit nostalgic since it had been one year since Obama's historic election. It didn't feel that long ago, as the year has basically flown by for me (and probably for some of you too). Anywho, it led me to look over my old LiveJournal entries and look back at where I was on my weight-loss journey, a year ago, on November 4, 2008.

I was still in the 200s. I was just starting to jog, 10 minutes at a time. Today, I'm about 54 pounds lighter. And I run. And even though I don't really like to, I can run up to an hour, non-stop. If you told me I would be able to do that 2 and a half years ago, I would've laughed in your face, right before shoving multiple handfuls of peanut M&Ms in my mouth.

It just reminded me that a) it's important to log your progress during a weight-loss journey and b) it's even more important to go back every once in a while and see how far you've come. A lot of us make progress every day, but sometimes we get so caught up in our routines (*cough* raises hand), that we completely forget about said progress and miss out on opportunities for emotional and psychological growth and stability.

In other news, I've been doing pretty good this week. I totally blew it on Halloween, but my weigh-ins over the past few days have shown that I've more than recovered. I've been keeping up with exercise, but have been trying to scale things back a bit to help ease me out of that workout maniac phase that I've been going through the past couple of months.

I've been making it a goal to incorporate yoga 2x a week and I'm starting to fall in love with it. I've just been using the Biggest Loser Weight-Loss Yoga DVD, but it's been great since I'm a beginner. I had done level one sporadically over the past year, but I've FINALLY added on level 2 and I like learning the new moves. It's tough, but I like testing my muscles while also improving my balance, breathing and flexibility. Without sounding too hippy-ish, I think yoga is helping me work on some other issues in my life, such as...

...Compulsive overeating. Yes, that's more or less why I've been in a funk recently. It's come back to haunt me. Compulsive overeating started in my childhood and stayed with me until I was in my 20s and tipping the scales at 248 pounds. Once I started losing weight, I thought I had conquered it almost completely. I figured since binges only happened once in a while, I no longer had to identify overeating as a problem.

The thing is, just because it doesn't happen everyday (or week or month), doesn't mean it's not still a problem. And of course, I've been in complete denial for about the past month. I've finally 'fessed up to myself and just acknowledging that it's still an issue for me has helped quite a bit. Now, I'm moving on to resources, both online and in book form. At first, I felt silly (and admittedly, a bit weak) having to rely on external resources to help me achieve internal happiness and peace with myself, but I've come to realize that I shouldn't feel ashamed at all. Reading about other people's experiences and internalizing their advice has lifted so much grief off of my chest; it's been great.

But, as with anything else, baby steps. Post-goal life has turned out to be more emotionally demanding than I had expected, but if I was strong and determined enough to lose the weight, I can sure as hell put forth the same strength and dedication in maintaining the loss and working through these remaining issues. I just need to learn to forgive myself and be patient with myself this time, instead of the numbers on the scale each week.

It's been a pretty good week so far. And today is shaping up to be nice as well; I forced myself to take a day off from the gym (first day off from working out since October 9), I'm leaving work early, gonna enjoy the nice weather by walking (not sprinting) to the post-office and then heading to my mom's for a grilled salmon dinner. I'm looking forward to the walk because it's surprisingly warm today. I can't remember the last time I walked somewhere, just for the sake of enjoying the outdoors and as a means of transportation. The goal is not to sweat and freak out over what level my heart rate is at, but rather just enjoy the outdoors whilst simultaneously getting an errand done.