The joy of figuring out things for yourself.

It's been pretty routine lately; eat well/exercise regularly Monday through Friday. Sometime between Friday night and Saturday night, my eating and drinking habits more or less go to crap. Monday morning finds me regretful, but also ready to start life anew. I feel focused, motivated and ready to dismiss my poor weekend eating habits for good! ... That is... Until the following weekend. The cycle repeats itself. And while I feel proud of myself every Monday morning for not giving up for good, I can't help but feel like a joke for letting the setbacks continue.

Instead of letting myself go into autopilot like I usually do every week, I've been productive this morning in taking the time to capture the details of my bouts of overeating in a separate journal. I've listed just about every possible reason why I let my healthy-minded guard down on the days of the week that I do.

Such thoughts have taken place in between my usual blog and twitter reading. I don't remember how I came upon it exactly, but I found a great site called Maria's Last Diet, while my self-analysis was taking place.

I've found myself reading post after post because there seems to be a regular, common theme: weight maintenance. There really is, seemingly, a bazillion blogs or articles that break down the ins and outs of losing weight. I'm easily a part of that statistic, if you read back far enough. But for me, finding a similar amount of reliable, practical weight maintenance resources hasn't been as easy. Maria's Last Diet is less about "eat this, do that" and more focused on the psychological side of losing weight and keeping it off. I have a tendency to ignore a lot of important psychological/emotional cues and doing so sets me up to make poor choices, even if my intentions of being healthy are still in place.

I still have more to read and even more questions to ask myself, but so far, I've noticed a few things:

1) While spending over 2 years losing 90 pounds, I devoted little-to-no time thinking about how to keep the weight off. Even after I hit my "goal" weight, my immediate thought was to keep losing. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I didn't even try maintaining for a single week to see if it could even be done. I  turned into a machine.

2) The majority of magazines, blogs, articles and celebrity trainers I relied on as my primary resources during my weight-loss journey rarely discussed post-goal weight maintenance strategies. If they did, I took the information with a grain of salt because somehow, I thought I would magically have it all figured out by the time I lost all of the extra weight. Flawless logic, eh?

3) Most tips on weight maintenance include continuing to track calories and/or points as you did while losing the weight. Makes sense, I suppose. But... Seriously? Do "they" really expect me to keep thousands of food logs until I'm on my death bed? Unfortunately, while losing weight, I became dangerously obsessed with numbers in just about every possible way; daily weigh-ins to record X point X pounds, Weight Watcher points eaten, activity points earned, calories burned, calories eaten, protein, fiber, fat, saturated fat, sodium, sugar, cups, teaspoons, tablespoons, ounces, grams, milligrams, miles, minutes, beats per minute, reps, inches, body fat percentage, dress sizes, resting metabolic rate... Buh. Believe it or not, ALL of those things were being captured in my head, throughout the day, just about every damn day.

Not to suggest that such knowledge is useless, but I clearly let it control my life and dictate my happiness for about two years. In all honesty, I've tried about 3 or 4 times in the past month to track my food in some capacity, be it Points, calories or journaling and each time, I've gotten frustrated or anxious once the numbers came back.

4) Each time I give up on tracking my food (usually after a few days), I tell myself it's because I need to learn to eat well and manage my weight naturally, without being a slave to points, calories, charts and spreadsheets. TRUE! Absolutely and completely true. BUT... I also need to be responsible for my food and exercise choices. Lately, I just haven't felt responsible or fully in charge a good chunk of the time.

5) Although some of the posts on this blog may imply otherwise, a lot of what I've been doing lately (re: food and exercise) has been out of fear. Fear of having to buy bigger pants. Fear of not fitting into smaller pants. Fear of gaining. Fear of being judged by others for slipping back into my old ways and "letting myself go." Fear of never becoming a "normal" eater. While I try to eat and exercise with better intentions (just being healthy and fit, regardless of weight or appearance), the fear runs deep and serves as my main source of motivation most of the time. Obviously, doing things out of fear is a horrible way to go. What kind of life am I living if such basic daily activities like eating and exercising are done out of fear?! It's absurd.

Anyway, it's time to face some facts:

• I've gained back some of the weight I've lost. (Not specifying the amount, as I don't currently feel it's appropriate or necessary.)
• It's not the end of the world.
• I can find a happy balance.
• Self-sabotage does absolutely nothing for me.
• I, once again, need to pace myself and not rush into things or expect change in a week.
• As of now, I still don't appreciate myself as much as I should.
• Life is waiting.
• Honey-nut peanut butter, ice cream, chocolate and chips aren't going to suddenly disappear from the world any time soon (though, some days I wish they would, haha).
• The few pounds I've gained back don't cancel out my overall success in losing a shit-ton of weight. How quickly I forget that I was once clinically obese, unable to jog for more than 10 seconds or do more than 2 sit ups.
• If I'm free to still watch and enjoy Spongebob, I'm also free to watch what I eat and enjoy being healthy.
• I can't live in extremes. Not for long, anyway.
• I need to stop rebelling against myself.
• I need to stop being so strict with myself.
• I need to make a new commitment to weight maintenance. And I need to think it over a lot more than when I committed myself to weight-loss. Things need to be sane and sustainable this time around. No more diving in head-first. No more autopilot. No more running around in the dark.

To help get me started in drafting the ins and outs of my new commitment, I'm using this post from Maria's Last Diet as a guide:

"Does keeping the weight off once you've lost it require more of a commitment from you? It does.

Despite the fact that you lost the weight and you were certainly committed to doing that, you now have another commitment to make.

Keeping the weight off is no easy matter, as the research shows. Most people who lose weight don’t keep it off. They may keep it off for a year or for a few months or for a few weeks. But they gain it back, and it is not unusual to gain back more than you’ve lost.

So if want to keep the weight off, you have to make yet another commitment. Here are some ways to make sure your commitment is solid.

Be specific—tell how, where, and what

Set up a consequence for not following through

Make sure to tell someone what you are doing

Take your past history of commitment into consideration

Anticipate commitment spoilers

Don’t force your commitment; give yourself a choice

Set up a self-monitoring plan

Support your commitment by attributing success to yourself

You’ve come this far. You already have a lot of commitment under your belt. Commit again and be a step closer to permanent weight loss."

I'm also reviewing some highlighted notes from Eat What You Love to remind me that it's possible to have a sane relationship with food. Good resources aside though, I need to be responsible and get serious. Seriously happy. Seriously healthy.

Quoting close to home.

I wasn't planning on blogging today, but I read a quote just a few seconds ago that really resonated with me:

"I'm so grateful that I don't get on a scale because it's never going to be the right number."

-Kyra Sedgwick

This quote didn't stop me in my tracks because I found it particularly motivational or life-changing, but because it caused me to flashback to the day I reached my "goal" weight.

It was a great day. I gushed to friends and family and received their congratulatory comments with open arms. But y'know what? I have something to confess: When I stepped on that scale and saw 157, I was happy for less than 10 seconds and thought "I can and need to lose more!" And I did. And I couldn't maintain that weight. And I started to gain. And I kept weighing myself. And kept hating myself. Forget that I was no longer obese, a regular runner, a better cook, more energized and no longer at risk for diabetes. I didn't give a shit about any of that because all I could see were those numbers on the scale. And I, like countless others, allowed those numbers to dictate my happiness.

So Ms. Sedgwick is completely right, and almost painfully so. The numbers will never be right. Yes, I needed to see the numbers regularly to pull me down from 248, but did I need to see them every week day when I was hovering around 150? Not so much.

I'm not anti-scale. I currently have two in my house. They serve a purpose and I'll never preach that they're completely useless. But I haven't stepped on one in over a month and don't plan on stepping on one until my annual physical next month. I'll look at the number. It'll be greater than last year's number. But that's something I've known for a while now and seeing it in a doctor's office doesn't change anything. It doesn't change the fact that I still run, am still not obese, still cooking with healthier, more wholesome foods and still not at risk for diabetes.

I will step on scales in the future. But certainly not every day or every week, which I totally used to do.

For me, weight-loss has been a double-edged sword. Obviously, the big pros were becoming healthy and trimming down significantly. But the cons include developing a handful of unhealthy, obsessive, counter-productive behaviors that have sunk their claws in deep and have made maintenance a bitch. I knew losing a significant amount of weight was going to be a long, tough journey, but I was in no way prepared for the new journey that followed. I wasn't prepared to discover how some of my previous "healthy habits" would start to work against me. I wasn't prepared to start binging. I wasn't prepared to re-learn how to eat. I wasn't prepared to let go of guilt. I wasn't prepared to hear mixed reactions from family members (something I'm still dealing with, as recent as two weeks ago). Lots of not-so-glamorous shit that I simply wasn't prepared for, at all.

But I digress. I guess what I'm trying to say is that while I'm still dealing with various post-weight loss issues, I think I can do without having the scale regularly thrown into that mix. I don't want the scale and I to be enemies, but I don't want to be BFFs either. Scale, you have been demoted to casual acquaintance. Hope that's cool.

A new year, a new game face.

I must admit, for the past couple of weeks, I've felt like a mouse, constantly poking its head head out, scoping out the scene, and retreating back to its hole until it feels safe enough to scurry about in the open. And it hasn't felt safe until now.

As I sometimes tend to do, I've avoided blogging because I've been ashamed of my eating habits over the holidays, which ultimately led to packing on some extra pounds.

I wasn't so much ashamed about the weight gain itself as much as I was ashamed about my actions and behaviors that led to the gain. From the day before Christmas Eve through New Year's Eve, I more or less ate whatever unhealthy food I could get my hands on and ate with complete abandon. I had a few days of healthy eating in between, but if I had the slightest craving for something sweet and/or fatty, I acted on it almost immediately.

I did keep up with my workouts, but they barely made a dent in the amount of calories I was consuming. It was pretty ridiculous. But what's done is done.

I've been back on track since Friday and feeling loads better. It's still hard coming off of the junk food fix, but each day gets easier. My clothes fit better, finally.

I know that prior to the train wreck that was the holidays, I was on the Cheat Your Way Thin soapbox. Well, obviously that didn't last. Even before the holidays, I had stopped losing and actually gained a pound. This was primarily my fault because I did exactly what you're not supposed to do and I let the "cheat" days turn into full out binge days. But on the regular on-plan days, I was hungry, deprived and craving EVERYTHING. Seriously. Even stuff that I don't usually indulge in or care about, I wanted all the time. It was pathetic.

Even though the plan sounded great and logical on paper (which it still probably is), it turned out not to be great and logical for me. Sure, I still need structure in my eating plan, but being allowed to only eat certain foods on certain days was starting to take its toll on me, mentally. And fixing my mentality toward food is something that I've been trying to correct for months now.

Sooo, the past few days, I'm back to not only eating healthy, but eating the Healthy Tamara way. I need to eat in a manner that feels natural to me. And waiting to eat apples until Tuesday or holding off on oatmeal until Friday didn't feel natural at all. My normal way of eating is damn-near perfectly balanced and doesn't leave me anxious, so I'm not sure why I try to fight it so much...

I guess since this was my first holiday season at my goal weight, I panicked and wanted to make sure I wouldn't gain, hence trying some new-fangled plan. I certainly don't regret trying something new, but overall, my attitude and actions led to self-sabotage. I basically doubted myself for no good reason. Again, not the fault of CYWT. I take full responsibility. In fact, I'm glad I gave it a shot because it helped me to recognize what types of things work for me and work against me when making day-to-day choices about food and fitness.

One pretty important change that occurred as a result of trying CYWT was that I finally forced myself to cut back on my workouts while also making them more efficient. And now that I'm maintaining my weight and not necessarily trying to lose (with the exception of the next couple of weeks, heh), I needed to figure out how to break my 6-7 days/week workout habit that was leaving me over-trained and frustrated.

Going on the plan also forced me to pay better attention to my macronutrient breakdown of calories, day-to-day. I didn't completely ignore it before, but I'm much more aware of it now and seeing it over the past few days has been encouraging because everything seems to be in balance. And I haven't had to deprive myself or feel like some kind of crazed, guilty maniac.

Oh, maintenance. You're a tricky little bitch. But you and I will live in harmony eventually.

I haven't been a fan of New Year's resolutions for quite a while now, but I do have one for this year; I want to become a member of the National Weight Control Registry. I want to maintain my loss for a year or more. I do not want to become part of the group of people (what is it, like 90+%?) who gain back most of the weight they lose. F that, I say.

So for now, I'm back to being best buds with The Daily Plate, looking forward to feeling stronger and leaner with each workout (which has been fun and challenging so far, thanks to the 14" jump-box my boyfriend made me for Christmas!) and really, just forcing myself to pause and take a deep breath when I start to feel overwhelmed, be it with food, fitness, work, money or love. Last year left me feeling like an emotional, frustrated mess most of the time. This year needs to be different. My health depends on it.

Checking in.

Helllooo out there. I haven't fallen off the face of the earth, but still felt I should post a brief update.

Things are going well. I'm still following the CYWT plan. Feeling great, still eating my usual favorite healthy foods and, duh, enjoying the day of food-freedom each week. Physically, I'm looking better too. My arms, abs and chest (gasp! tee-hee) are all toning up nicely.

Still not ready to post weigh-ins yet though, and for a couple of reasons: A) I want to wait until I've been on the plan longer to make better sense of my overall progress and B) I'm FINALLY reaching a point where I just don't give a shit about numbers anymore. I've reached a size that I'm happy with, so as long as I'm feeling awesome AND looking awesome in my size 8's, I can't really be bothered with the scale too much. It made me crazy for a lot of months (moving from weekly to daily weigh-ins sure as hell didn't help) and that craziness went on to have negative effects on my diet and workout routines (i.e., over-exercising to make up for overeating).

I think I've finally reached a new level of balance this week. Feels like it, anyway. I've only been working out 3-4 days a week (instead of the usual 6-7) and since I've pretty much done away with counting Weight Watchers points since Thanksgiving (and of course following the CYWT program instead), I'm much more conscious of my food choices and feel like I'm finally treating myself better, instead of feeling like I was constantly being watched by the All Powerful WW Points Gods.

Don't get me wrong- following WW and losing all that weight was awesome, but it feels liberating to eat more mindfully as opposed to constantly asking myself "do I have enough points left to eat this?" It was making me insane during those last 20 pounds to goal and as I tried to move into maintenance.

I'm still tracking everything on The Daily Plate though, just for sanity checks and to see my macronutrient breakdown, which is something that I kinda need to monitor throughout CYWT. And I'm cool with that.

Anywho. I'm finally killing my anxiety toward food and finally starting to see what this maintenance thing is all about. It's sucking a lot less these days, actually. I've fully acknowledged and made peace with how I need to eat and exercise for the rest of my life. I think I used to have a general idea, but hadn't yet fully grasped the concept until now.

Speaking of exercise, I've been doing a mix of sprint intervals at the gym (alternating between the treadmill, bike, elliptical, stairmaster and sometimes, rowing machine), Tae Bo (with Body Bands) and I've re-kindled my love affair with lifting this week. I'm not gonna lie- I'm loving my arms these days. I mean, I'm feeling some serious toning all around, but my arms totally turn me on, haha. Shoulder presses & deadlifts FTW.

I think that covers everything for now. I'm not even fretting over the holidays and the clichéd weight gain. So far, I'm making December my bitch, thanks to the Holiday Calendar Joel made for the CYWT program. I know, I keep plugging it over and over, but it really has made things so much more relaxed and fool-proof for me. Definitely a change I needed to try. Hooray for progress! Hope everyone is doing well.

Obligatory Survival Post

Well, the interwebs have been flooded the past few days with blog updates, tweets and articles all about Thanksgiving and post-Thanksgiving eating and recovery. That said, I guess I might as well add to the pile. I wasn't going to at first because of the low points I experienced, but I've made some awesome progress the past few days, so I felt the need to share.

But first, let us back up to Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Oh man. I had just started that time of the month and I was just plain HUNGRY. Insatiable. Well, between PMS cravings and the bottomless pit that was my stomach, Thanksgiving Eve did indeed turn into an all-out junk fest. And I will be honest, knowing that the next day was Thanksgiving, I totally used that as an excuse to overeat. It was a bad move in retrospect, but one positive that came out of it all was that I wasn't guilt-ridden. I just didn't care. No, I shouldn't have ate all of that crap mindlessly and with complete abandon, but the fact that I didn't completely hate myself afterward was kind of a big deal. I'd like to think of it as major progress, with regards to my binging issue.

Thanksgiving Day: Yeah, I felt kinda crappy, but I did some cycling, Tae Bo and weight training anyway. Felt better and was still excited for the big meal. Even though I was still digesting Wednesday's nonsense, my goal was to keep a positive attitude and enjoy the next round of mucho food.

And I did. Everything was delicious and rich. But leftovers later that evening proved to be a mistake. That night, I really packed it in to the point where I felt kinda miserable.

Even though I felt like crap, I was determined not to hate myself and start entering that cycle where I beat myself up, both mentally & physically. At the same time though, I needed to regain focus and control. That's where Cheat Your Way Thin comes in.

Yes, it sounds like a total fad diet. Yes, the information page gives off kind of a cheesy, questionable vibe. Yes, it costs money and therefore poses a risk factor.

So why the hell did I pay for this program? Well, I had been signed up on Joel Marion's (the program's creator) mailing list for about a month or so already, so I had grown familiar with who he was and some of his general fitness/food tips. I think I originally came across him through another personal trainer blog I follow...

ANYWHO. In the newsletters, Joel spoke more and more about his program and I was intrigued. When I found out it cost money, I told myself "No way." I'm not sure what caused me to change my mind that Thanksgiving Day... Perhaps it was desperation... All I know is that the more I read and the more I heard about the program on other personal trainer blogs that I do indeed trust and respect, the more convinced I became. I made a few clicks, paid and downloaded the program materials.

Since I paid for this, I'm not going to go into every last little detail, but so far, I'm soooo pleased. The program is basically built around carb-cycling with a "cheat" day worked into every week. There are of course specific guidelines to keep you from screwing yourself over and making bad decisions (i.e., binging), but not so many that it's not feasible. And the big selling point for me was that Joel created a special Holiday calendar where he basically maps out your whole first month on the plan, starting with Thanksgiving, which is indeed the first "cheat" day. He works in the rest of the month's "cheat" days around other upcoming holidays and potential holiday parties and it's just awesome. Talk about a ton of pressure and anxiety being lifted from my chest almost instantly.

As I read through more of the program material, I discovered that YES!, there is indeed a maintenance phase. After I jumped into buying the program, I worried that maybe there wasn't a maintenance phase and that doing this program would defeat the purpose of making lifestyle changes for the past 2.5 years. But Joel did not disappoint; he breaks everything down to the point where it's basically fool-proof and sustainable for a long period of time (i.e., the rest of your life).

When I finished reading everything, I said to myself, "yes, I can do this." And it all makes sense, really. Perhaps I could have developed a similar approach on my own, but I simply hadn't read the right combination of research to figure it out. (And Joel does indeed do his research; a lot of the science-type stuff he writes about matches up with a lot of articles/books I've read about certain hormones, how they impact your weight and how they're impacted by certain combinations of food and exercise.)

Bottom line: I feel pretty damn great today. Still eating healthy and still tracking what I eat on the Daily Plate, but moving away from tracking Weight Watchers points on top of that. I'm slowly breaking away from OCD-like food tracking methods that were making me insane. This weekend I noticed, probably for the first time ever, that I am indeed capable of making good food choices on my own, without chanting in my head "I'm on Weight Watchers, I must watch my weight, I must stay in control, etc."

I'm not sure if that made sense, but essentially, it's the closest to weight-loss maintenance that I think I've ever been. I was eating for fuel, I was enjoying what I ate and I had subconsciously picked the right combination of foods to make sure it was all balanced and beneficial to my health. And I wasn't freaking out about points or calories the whole time. I wasn't freaking out about anything. I felt, dare I say it, normal.

Moving on- I'm down to 155.8 today, over two pounds less than I was pre-Thanksgiving. Between PMS bloat and binging bloat, I totally saw the 170s on Friday. Yes, I know I didn't actually gain that much in such a short period of time, but it feels soooo good to be back to my "happy" range.

I'm TOTALLY ranting here, I'm sorry. I just feel so much better and so much more optimistic than I have in a really long time. I don't want to be cheesy and say "And I owe it all to Cheat Your Way Thin!", but I'd be lying if I said it hasn't helped put a lot of things into perspective. Just goes to show you that it is possible to become burned out on a certain tried-and-trusted routine, and that it's ok to poke around and find something new to give you a boost and a better chance at success. I'm feeling empowered and much more sure of myself than I have in a long time. (And no, I didn't get paid or receive any free swag for plugging CYWT.)

I'm NOT saying "Oh go out and buy this program because it's only been a few days and I feel awesome and you will too!" Who knows what kind of results I'll have after the first month? (I'll update here, of course.)

I guess I just felt compelled to share my recovery plan and how good it feels to finally give myself credit for how strong I've become. The past few months have seen waaay too much self-hatred and guilt, so it's been awesome to have some moments of clarity the past few days. I will NOT regain 90+ pounds (in a week, in a month or ever) and I WILL live a happy, healthy and balanced life. No freaking out required.

Can't I just sleep through this week?

Just a quick run-down:

-Didn't do a weigh-in post last Friday because, gasp, I gained. I let Doug's birthday turn into a birthday celebration weekend. So essentially, I took someone else's birthday, not even my own (a single day, I might add) and used it as an excuse to binge 3 days in a row. I've moved on since then, thankfully.

-Getting better at forgiving myself when I slip up. But it would be nice not to slip-up in the first place. Or at least not as often as I have been lately.

I have to be blunt: Weight-loss maintenance, for me, sucks ass. I've been having a hard time for weeks now. And you know why? Because I'm a hypocrite. I've blogged and told people in person that the key to losing weight and keeping it off is to make a lifestyle change (with regards to your eating habits) and that you can have good food in moderation and blah, blah, blah.

Well, I'm a hypocrite because despite my weight loss, I still haven't let go of that "all or nothing" mentality. Perhaps over a decade of yo-yo dieting is to blame, but I'll be damned if I can practice what I preach these days. Sure, in the past, I have practiced moderation (LOADS of times!) and made it home from a party or a wedding or a holiday dinner without having totally pigged out, still enjoyed myself and actually proud of my food/drink choices.

Lately (well, probably the past few months, really), I've lost that ability to moderate. It really has just been binge, workout more, eat clean, rinse, repeat. "They" say it's better to lose weight at a slower pace because you're more likely to keep it off. It took me 2.5 years to lose 90 pounds. So, in theory, I should be golden, right? Well, I also spent 2.5 years in "must lose weight!" mode, so to tell myself to stop losing and maintain and just continue to keep things healthy... Well... it's just proving to be a challenge.

I know I can't expect to make the maintenance phase my bitch immediately, so I'll cut myself some slack. But it's still tough. Right now, I'm stuck between not trying to lose, but trying not to gain. And trying to find that particular point of balance is just plain hard.

-I need to stop weighing myself everyday. I was able to justify it before, but I think that's one habit that needs to stop pronto, especially if I expect to succeed in maintenance.

-I really am done with all of the posts/articles out there FREAKING OUT over Thanksgiving dinner. All of the healthy alternative recipes for stuffing and pumpkin pie; all of the "stay slim!" strategies to practice before/after the meal... My god. It's one meal. One day. I've managed to lose over Thanksgiving in the past while still getting my pig-out on, so I really wish people would just shut up about it all ready. I really enjoyed David Kirchoff's take on Thanksgiving. It's probably one of the few pieces (of the dozens) I've read over the past couple of weeks that I really identified with when it comes to all of this Thanksgiving madness.

Yes, others can choose to approach the holiday however they please. I'm just choosing not to freak out or make crust-less sugar-free pumpkin pie mini-bites. I'm also not hosting/making the meal, so yes, I totally have it easy and don't have the same responsibility that others may have. If I did, then yeah, I'd probably be making mashed butternut squash, low-fat gravy and high-fiber rolls too.

-Got my heart rate monitor back (the one that shows calories burned). It was nice taking a break from it at first, but eventually I was starting to grow weary of estimating how much I was burning, so it's nice to have it again. Biggest disappointment since getting it back? Tae Bo Ultimate Boot Camp. Did this for an hour and barely burned 250 calories. BUT, it is more about strength and resistance training (a.k.a. not good sources of instant mega calorie burn), so I can't badmouth it too much. And using it with the Billy Bands is tough, so I will force myself to do it in the future. I'm always lacking in the world of strength & resistance training.

Looking forward to trying Fat Blaster set. Since those are supposed to be more cardio-based, I hope the calorie burn is decent. I really want something that will push me and burn a good chunk of calories on mornings I can't make it to the gym.


-I think that's about it. Basically, I've been losing and gaining, keeping up with my workouts and just trying to keep sane and have a better attitude about myself. Oh, and eating chocolate. Ugh. And I was reminded by the sudden cramping in my uterus this morning that I will have a lovely menstrual cycle to deal with this week as well. So between cramps, sweet cravings, Taco Bell bringing back my beloved Cheesy Gordita Crunch and Turkey Day, it will be interesting to see where I end up in a few days, haha.