Quoting close to home.

I wasn't planning on blogging today, but I read a quote just a few seconds ago that really resonated with me:

"I'm so grateful that I don't get on a scale because it's never going to be the right number."

-Kyra Sedgwick

This quote didn't stop me in my tracks because I found it particularly motivational or life-changing, but because it caused me to flashback to the day I reached my "goal" weight.

It was a great day. I gushed to friends and family and received their congratulatory comments with open arms. But y'know what? I have something to confess: When I stepped on that scale and saw 157, I was happy for less than 10 seconds and thought "I can and need to lose more!" And I did. And I couldn't maintain that weight. And I started to gain. And I kept weighing myself. And kept hating myself. Forget that I was no longer obese, a regular runner, a better cook, more energized and no longer at risk for diabetes. I didn't give a shit about any of that because all I could see were those numbers on the scale. And I, like countless others, allowed those numbers to dictate my happiness.

So Ms. Sedgwick is completely right, and almost painfully so. The numbers will never be right. Yes, I needed to see the numbers regularly to pull me down from 248, but did I need to see them every week day when I was hovering around 150? Not so much.

I'm not anti-scale. I currently have two in my house. They serve a purpose and I'll never preach that they're completely useless. But I haven't stepped on one in over a month and don't plan on stepping on one until my annual physical next month. I'll look at the number. It'll be greater than last year's number. But that's something I've known for a while now and seeing it in a doctor's office doesn't change anything. It doesn't change the fact that I still run, am still not obese, still cooking with healthier, more wholesome foods and still not at risk for diabetes.

I will step on scales in the future. But certainly not every day or every week, which I totally used to do.

For me, weight-loss has been a double-edged sword. Obviously, the big pros were becoming healthy and trimming down significantly. But the cons include developing a handful of unhealthy, obsessive, counter-productive behaviors that have sunk their claws in deep and have made maintenance a bitch. I knew losing a significant amount of weight was going to be a long, tough journey, but I was in no way prepared for the new journey that followed. I wasn't prepared to discover how some of my previous "healthy habits" would start to work against me. I wasn't prepared to start binging. I wasn't prepared to re-learn how to eat. I wasn't prepared to let go of guilt. I wasn't prepared to hear mixed reactions from family members (something I'm still dealing with, as recent as two weeks ago). Lots of not-so-glamorous shit that I simply wasn't prepared for, at all.

But I digress. I guess what I'm trying to say is that while I'm still dealing with various post-weight loss issues, I think I can do without having the scale regularly thrown into that mix. I don't want the scale and I to be enemies, but I don't want to be BFFs either. Scale, you have been demoted to casual acquaintance. Hope that's cool.

Go go gadget guns!

Let me start this [long] post by saying that I'm starting to become obsessed with Jackie Warner's Power Circuit DVD. Seriously. I still have 2 new Jari Love DVDs to try AND my new aerobic step arrived yesterday (to take some of the Jari Love workouts to a new challenging level), yet all I wanted to do this morning was bust through 40 minutes of fast-paced pain. I think that's still the biggest appeal right now- the fact that it just flies by, yet leaves me feeling like I still accomplished something. My arms and chest are just feeling awesome right now (and tingly!).

After the DVD was over, I decided to run a mile before hitting the shower. Since that particular DVD is one of my shorter workouts, I figured adding on a quick run would make for a good combo. Some progress notes:

• Since I'm prepared for the lightning-fast transitions, I'm able to keep up with the reps better and put forth more effort, thus feeling more of the burn.
• I'm starting to add weights to certain moves (i.e., lunges and squats) and increasing my weight on other moves (i.e., hammer curls and rows)
• The ab intervals still kick my ass. Not much progress made there because the burn is so bad, I often find myself just watching the DVD and shaking my head in disgust.

I don't mean to brag, but I'm pretty impressed with my attitude toward fitness this week. I think having all of these new options (new DVDs, new equipment) is just making me eager to try stuff so I can feel/see my body change. When I reached my goal weight, I was definitely feeling and seeing changes, thanks to discovering HIIT routines and weight lifting, but the results I'm getting this time around are different... This time, instead of being smaller and moderately toned, I feel like I'm just getting cut. Even though my ass is carrying more poundage than it did back in October/November, it's starting to actually lift and look awesome. I've been doing significantly more squats and lunges over the past few weeks than I previously did over a few months, so there ya go.

On that note, I guess I'll go ahead and share just how much I gained back... After November hit (and my binge eating returned), I gained about 15 pounds steadily through January (yeah, do the math on that one, folks. I packed it on heavy and fast). I was back in the 170s for a bit. Seeing that number on the scale (and worse so, feeling every pound of it) was devastating. And although I'm trying to break away from numbers, I am happy to say that I'm finally back in the 160s. My 90 pound goal weight was 158 and my lowest weight ever was 150.8 (!!!). Am I trying to get back to the low 150s? Well, considering how stressed and hungry I got trying to get there, no, not really. I think as far as realistic maintenance goes, anything between 158 and 162 feels the most natural.

Anywho, closing notes on exercise: Tomorrow, I'm gonna bust out the new step and try Jari's Extremely Ripped DVD (essentially, an older version of the Extremely Ripped 1000 DVD, which was the first one I purchased and quickly became addicted to).

Thursday, I'll either rest or do another round of the Power Circuit DVD and a quick run. Not sure yet. Friday definitely needs to be a run day at the gym though, I'm thinkin'.

On to food!

Breakfast:



Baked oatmeal and a glass of cold coffee (I didn't put ice in it, so I guess I can't really call it "Iced Coffee" can I?)



For this version, I used:

• 1 packet of store-brand sugar-free instant maple & brown sugar oatmeal
• about 1/3 cup of canned pumpkin
• 1/4 cup egg whites
• 1 small mashed banana
• cinnamon
• nutmeg
• splash of vanilla extract
• splenda

In reviewing the original recipe, I now realize I forgot to add the baking powder, but it was still fluffy and daaaaaamn good. I think adding the banana took it to that new level of awesomeness.



I brewed some coffee last night and left it in the fridge overnight. Mixed it with light vanilla Silk and a few pumps of DaVinci sugar-free Pumpkin Pie syrup. Oh man. So delightful, even though it was like 6 degrees outside when I drank it.

Morning snack:



More 0% Fage yogurt with pineapple chunks.

Assuming I don't get lazy later, lunch and afternoon snack pics to follow this afternoon.

Weigh-in Day.

Today's weight: 151. A loss of 5.8 pounds. Now, don't get me wrong; this is totally cool and all, but my weight has fluctuated like crazy the past few weeks, so it's hard to believe that this number will last. Let's take a look at some previous weigh-ins, shall we?

-10/30/09: 156.8
-10/23/09: 157.4
-10/16/09: 153.8
-10/9/09: 152.4
-10/2/09: 156.6

Insane. But, it also kinda makes sense. Those past weeks included a few extreme binge days, followed by extreme workout days, so my body didn't know what the hell to do. I really don't want to repeat a cycle like that again. Weekends are always a battle for me, so all I want to achieve over the next few days is balance. And, with the exception of Halloween, I managed to achieve some pretty damn good balance this week. I've been eating just the right amount of food (and enjoying it!) and I've been keeping my workouts in check by not overdoing it and being more aware of certain cues (muscle soreness, feelings of sluggishness versus feeling energized, etc.).

One thing that has probably helped is not having my regular heart rate monitor that tells me how many calories I burn. I had to send it away to be serviced this week, so I've had to go back to doing estimates on calories burned during workouts. Not my preferred method, obviously, but it has taken some of the underlying pressure off. It's allowed me to just be more in tune with my heart rate and breathing patterns on my own, instead of a monitor telling me where I'm at. I think it just forced me to work out smarter, as opposed to just doing whatever it takes to burn 700 calories at a time.

ANYWHO, in more exciting news, I can now fit comfortably into some size 7/8 jeans I bought a couple of months ago. I think I was more excited about that than seeing 151 on the scale. And a size 7/8 is pretty much where I wanted to end up anyway. Hooray!

Although I'm trying to move away from the numbers game, I can't help but point out that today's weight puts me at 97 pounds lost. Three pounds away from that elusive 100 pound mark. Sigh. I'm just going to take things one pound (and one day) at a time. I think changing up my fitness routine and being more aware of my diet this week really helped to move me in a new direction where I might possibly reach 148 without having to kill myself with stress.

Overall though, 3 pounds isn't going to change the way I look at this point and since I'm finally coming around and sort of loving the way I look now (especially in these jeans), I'm more concerned with just being happy with myself and feeling good.

(***If you're new to the blog, feel free to read my introductory posts.)

FOOD:

breakfast:
egg white- 1
1 oz. avocado- 1
light english muffin- 1

snack:
carrot- 0
1/2 banana- 1
PB2- 1

lunch:
leftovers- 6

snack:
apple- 1
cucumber- 0
1/2 c. kashi cereal- 1

dinner:
steak- 5
marinade- 1
zucchini & olive oil- 2
wine- 2

post-dinner:
peaches/blueberries- 1

total points used: 24/22
activity points: 40 min. HIIT routine- 5
net points: 22
WAPs: 35/35 remaining

EXERCISE:

Made it to the gym, barely. Stayed up a little later than usual last night and hence, slept in a little later. I was dragging some serious ass on my warm-up run. And dragging ass overall, so I told myself to burn no more than 500 calories to keep things short and sweet. And I did just that.

Today's routine:
-15 min. run
-15 min. stair master
-10 min. elliptical/cool-down

I spent a good 10-15 minutes in the sauna afterward. God, I love that thing.

As for tomorrow, either more cardio at the gym or Workout B from the Gym Junkies fat-loss routine. I would link to it, but the link I was using is redirecting somewhere else for some reason... Glad I printed it all out a few days ago!

Basically, workout B is squats and push presses (a.k.a. shoulder press or overhead press). I'm game!

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Not much else to report. I was worried that after reaching my goal weight, I would be tempted to give in to a lot of crap food and would want to skip a workout here and there, but so far, it's re-motivated me. I ate my activity points last night (all 2 of them, heh), but stayed in control after that. All I want lately are more fruits and veggies and beans and more new workouts, haha. Not sure how long this feeling will last, but I'll roll with it as long as I can!