Is it Fall yet?

Apparently, it's August already. Yeesh. This summer has flown by, but with the heat lately, that's totally fine by me. I'm over it.

New reads

Although time seems to be passing quickly these days, I still managed to read a new book this week:



My Footprint: Carrying the Weight of the World, by Jeff Garlin.
I'm a big Curb Your Enthusiasm fan, but what really drew me to this book was the fact that Garlin opened up about his eating disorder. I know eating disorders are also prevalent in men, not just women, but I had yet to really read a man's account of what it's like to struggle with a food addiction. And really, after reading this book, the struggle is still the same, regardless of gender.

It wasn't the best written book, but it still tugged at my heart strings occasionally and of course, because he's a comedian, I definitely had my share of chuckles. I also learned a bit about going green too, because the other main theme of book is Garlin's decision to lower his carbon footprint while also tackling his food issues.

It's kind of grueling to read about his binges, lack of support, well-intentioned but misguided "new starts" and seeing the cycle repeat itself. There were so many times I just wanted to hug him, shake him and give him advice because his experience was similar to mine in a lot of ways.

The ending, which I won't give away, was unexpected, but still really inspiring. Because the final message was so full of realism, it really resonated with me. I got my copy from the library and finished in a about a day, so if you're looking for a quick read, you might want to check it out.

10K Training

I'm still plugging along with my training schedule. Just finished week 2 this morning. Running is hard. Since I've started this program, I must admit, I've yet to have a good run. I've got a lot of mental blocks that keep coming up and it's having an effect on my progress. Essentially, I'm comparing my current running self to my old, much faster running self. I keep getting caught up in my speed and think "Shit, I'm going so slow! I was so much faster before! Why can't I go faster?" So instead of just focusing on running and finishing my distance, I'm getting distracted by these types of thoughts. I've wanted to throw in the towel on this training program about 3 or 4 times already, but I need to stick it out. Hopefully once I get into weeks 4 and 5, things will get better.

My days of comparing myself to other people are long gone, but comparing myself to, well, myself is just as bad, if not worse. I need to work on that. It took me a long time to build up my speed last year, so I can't expect to get back to that level in a matter of days. I can be quite impatient at times.

Other than that, life is pretty bitchin'. I've been slacking on food pics again, but hopefully I'll find some inspiration this week. I also got yet another Jari Love DVD which I plan on trying tomorrow, so a review of that will follow as well. Hope everyone is enjoying the weekend!

Frustration, all around.

I debated posting this morning, but figured it would be best to just come clean.

I'm frustrated.

I binged yesterday.

It certainly wasn't the worst binge, but there was still a lack of control and a lingering feeling of fullness into the evening. Not painfully full, but enough to make me feel like I did something wrong.

At first, I told myself I would not feel guilty. And I didn't! Until this morning anyway... Did I genuinely want to go the gym and run this morning? Yeah. But was I more motivated by guilt to push myself through a 70 minute sweat session aimed simply at burning extra calories? Yep. Very much so.

Do I feel better? Well, I certainly feel less shitty, but still quite discouraged and frustrated with myself. I'm glad that I resisted the temptation to use laxatives, but still upset that I considered that an option in the first place.

A good amount of this frustration comes from my reaction to reading dozens of posts over the past week from people (well, all women actually) who are constantly counting calories or points, beating themselves up when they "go over" said points/calories, overexercise, restrict and hang their happiness on a number on a scale. And when the number doesn't match their perceived effort or they eat "bad" foods, the cycle just repeats itself.

In fact, I've had to flat out delete some blogs from my Google Reader because I just couldn't take reading these posts anymore. They only served as reminders of the typical dieter I used to be and it's pretty heartbreaking. And it's frustrating because I still can't seem to break up with that part of myself.

On the side other of the spectrum, there are all of the other blogs that don't obsess over points or calories, enjoy all foods in moderation, stay active more for health rather than weight and manage to maintain balance and happiness without [seemingly] batting an eye. And those are the blogs that leave me asking, "Why is it so hard for me to be more like them?" I certainly don't want to get too wrapped up in comparing myself to others, but at the same time, I still like to seek out good role models. BUT, I also need to remember my own personal history with food/weight. I can't simply follow the good habits of others and expect that history (more specifically, those old behaviors) to disappear completely. Yeah, it would be nice if it worked that way, but I know better.

As I've mentioned on this blog before, I read Eat What You Love, Love What You Eat and really felt it to be a huge eye opener, in terms of defining the trends that led to my binge eating in the first place and how to be normal around food.

I know how to listen to hunger cues. I've made a great deal of progress in removing the "good" and "bad" labels from food. I've learned to love exercise for the way it makes me feel (and not just how many calories it burns). But, there's still that typical dieter in me that won't let me live life 100% guilt-free when it comes to food. Right now, I'd say I'm pretty much 50% mindful/intuitive eater and 50% typical hard-ass dieter. I'd like to say that it's a 60/40 split or even 70/30, but then I'd just be lying.

I'm making progress. I can't deny that. But I'm still trying to rush the process of recovery and that's what causes these self-imposed guilt trips every time I "slip-up." There's still so much damn diet talk ("guilt-free," "fell off the wagon," "indulge," "sinful," "back on track," etc.) that pops into my head and it pisses me off. It pisses me off because after reading EWYL, I now know that such language is utter and complete bullshit, yet I still let it affect me from time to time.

There is light at the end of this damn tunnel. Everything's not lost. I don't feel like this whole process is hopeless. I still recognize how awesome and strong I am. And yes, I'm still too hard on my self. Lots of things I'm completely aware of. At the beginning of this post, I was indeed frustrated. Several typed characters and a few deep breaths later, I do indeed feel better. Certainly not feeling like a tiger, ready to roar and dig its claws into the day, but rather a penguin, hopping from rock to rock. Or something like that. I don't know. I never said analogies were my forté.

Obligatory Survival Post

Well, the interwebs have been flooded the past few days with blog updates, tweets and articles all about Thanksgiving and post-Thanksgiving eating and recovery. That said, I guess I might as well add to the pile. I wasn't going to at first because of the low points I experienced, but I've made some awesome progress the past few days, so I felt the need to share.

But first, let us back up to Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Oh man. I had just started that time of the month and I was just plain HUNGRY. Insatiable. Well, between PMS cravings and the bottomless pit that was my stomach, Thanksgiving Eve did indeed turn into an all-out junk fest. And I will be honest, knowing that the next day was Thanksgiving, I totally used that as an excuse to overeat. It was a bad move in retrospect, but one positive that came out of it all was that I wasn't guilt-ridden. I just didn't care. No, I shouldn't have ate all of that crap mindlessly and with complete abandon, but the fact that I didn't completely hate myself afterward was kind of a big deal. I'd like to think of it as major progress, with regards to my binging issue.

Thanksgiving Day: Yeah, I felt kinda crappy, but I did some cycling, Tae Bo and weight training anyway. Felt better and was still excited for the big meal. Even though I was still digesting Wednesday's nonsense, my goal was to keep a positive attitude and enjoy the next round of mucho food.

And I did. Everything was delicious and rich. But leftovers later that evening proved to be a mistake. That night, I really packed it in to the point where I felt kinda miserable.

Even though I felt like crap, I was determined not to hate myself and start entering that cycle where I beat myself up, both mentally & physically. At the same time though, I needed to regain focus and control. That's where Cheat Your Way Thin comes in.

Yes, it sounds like a total fad diet. Yes, the information page gives off kind of a cheesy, questionable vibe. Yes, it costs money and therefore poses a risk factor.

So why the hell did I pay for this program? Well, I had been signed up on Joel Marion's (the program's creator) mailing list for about a month or so already, so I had grown familiar with who he was and some of his general fitness/food tips. I think I originally came across him through another personal trainer blog I follow...

ANYWHO. In the newsletters, Joel spoke more and more about his program and I was intrigued. When I found out it cost money, I told myself "No way." I'm not sure what caused me to change my mind that Thanksgiving Day... Perhaps it was desperation... All I know is that the more I read and the more I heard about the program on other personal trainer blogs that I do indeed trust and respect, the more convinced I became. I made a few clicks, paid and downloaded the program materials.

Since I paid for this, I'm not going to go into every last little detail, but so far, I'm soooo pleased. The program is basically built around carb-cycling with a "cheat" day worked into every week. There are of course specific guidelines to keep you from screwing yourself over and making bad decisions (i.e., binging), but not so many that it's not feasible. And the big selling point for me was that Joel created a special Holiday calendar where he basically maps out your whole first month on the plan, starting with Thanksgiving, which is indeed the first "cheat" day. He works in the rest of the month's "cheat" days around other upcoming holidays and potential holiday parties and it's just awesome. Talk about a ton of pressure and anxiety being lifted from my chest almost instantly.

As I read through more of the program material, I discovered that YES!, there is indeed a maintenance phase. After I jumped into buying the program, I worried that maybe there wasn't a maintenance phase and that doing this program would defeat the purpose of making lifestyle changes for the past 2.5 years. But Joel did not disappoint; he breaks everything down to the point where it's basically fool-proof and sustainable for a long period of time (i.e., the rest of your life).

When I finished reading everything, I said to myself, "yes, I can do this." And it all makes sense, really. Perhaps I could have developed a similar approach on my own, but I simply hadn't read the right combination of research to figure it out. (And Joel does indeed do his research; a lot of the science-type stuff he writes about matches up with a lot of articles/books I've read about certain hormones, how they impact your weight and how they're impacted by certain combinations of food and exercise.)

Bottom line: I feel pretty damn great today. Still eating healthy and still tracking what I eat on the Daily Plate, but moving away from tracking Weight Watchers points on top of that. I'm slowly breaking away from OCD-like food tracking methods that were making me insane. This weekend I noticed, probably for the first time ever, that I am indeed capable of making good food choices on my own, without chanting in my head "I'm on Weight Watchers, I must watch my weight, I must stay in control, etc."

I'm not sure if that made sense, but essentially, it's the closest to weight-loss maintenance that I think I've ever been. I was eating for fuel, I was enjoying what I ate and I had subconsciously picked the right combination of foods to make sure it was all balanced and beneficial to my health. And I wasn't freaking out about points or calories the whole time. I wasn't freaking out about anything. I felt, dare I say it, normal.

Moving on- I'm down to 155.8 today, over two pounds less than I was pre-Thanksgiving. Between PMS bloat and binging bloat, I totally saw the 170s on Friday. Yes, I know I didn't actually gain that much in such a short period of time, but it feels soooo good to be back to my "happy" range.

I'm TOTALLY ranting here, I'm sorry. I just feel so much better and so much more optimistic than I have in a really long time. I don't want to be cheesy and say "And I owe it all to Cheat Your Way Thin!", but I'd be lying if I said it hasn't helped put a lot of things into perspective. Just goes to show you that it is possible to become burned out on a certain tried-and-trusted routine, and that it's ok to poke around and find something new to give you a boost and a better chance at success. I'm feeling empowered and much more sure of myself than I have in a long time. (And no, I didn't get paid or receive any free swag for plugging CYWT.)

I'm NOT saying "Oh go out and buy this program because it's only been a few days and I feel awesome and you will too!" Who knows what kind of results I'll have after the first month? (I'll update here, of course.)

I guess I just felt compelled to share my recovery plan and how good it feels to finally give myself credit for how strong I've become. The past few months have seen waaay too much self-hatred and guilt, so it's been awesome to have some moments of clarity the past few days. I will NOT regain 90+ pounds (in a week, in a month or ever) and I WILL live a happy, healthy and balanced life. No freaking out required.

Can't I just sleep through this week?

Just a quick run-down:

-Didn't do a weigh-in post last Friday because, gasp, I gained. I let Doug's birthday turn into a birthday celebration weekend. So essentially, I took someone else's birthday, not even my own (a single day, I might add) and used it as an excuse to binge 3 days in a row. I've moved on since then, thankfully.

-Getting better at forgiving myself when I slip up. But it would be nice not to slip-up in the first place. Or at least not as often as I have been lately.

I have to be blunt: Weight-loss maintenance, for me, sucks ass. I've been having a hard time for weeks now. And you know why? Because I'm a hypocrite. I've blogged and told people in person that the key to losing weight and keeping it off is to make a lifestyle change (with regards to your eating habits) and that you can have good food in moderation and blah, blah, blah.

Well, I'm a hypocrite because despite my weight loss, I still haven't let go of that "all or nothing" mentality. Perhaps over a decade of yo-yo dieting is to blame, but I'll be damned if I can practice what I preach these days. Sure, in the past, I have practiced moderation (LOADS of times!) and made it home from a party or a wedding or a holiday dinner without having totally pigged out, still enjoyed myself and actually proud of my food/drink choices.

Lately (well, probably the past few months, really), I've lost that ability to moderate. It really has just been binge, workout more, eat clean, rinse, repeat. "They" say it's better to lose weight at a slower pace because you're more likely to keep it off. It took me 2.5 years to lose 90 pounds. So, in theory, I should be golden, right? Well, I also spent 2.5 years in "must lose weight!" mode, so to tell myself to stop losing and maintain and just continue to keep things healthy... Well... it's just proving to be a challenge.

I know I can't expect to make the maintenance phase my bitch immediately, so I'll cut myself some slack. But it's still tough. Right now, I'm stuck between not trying to lose, but trying not to gain. And trying to find that particular point of balance is just plain hard.

-I need to stop weighing myself everyday. I was able to justify it before, but I think that's one habit that needs to stop pronto, especially if I expect to succeed in maintenance.

-I really am done with all of the posts/articles out there FREAKING OUT over Thanksgiving dinner. All of the healthy alternative recipes for stuffing and pumpkin pie; all of the "stay slim!" strategies to practice before/after the meal... My god. It's one meal. One day. I've managed to lose over Thanksgiving in the past while still getting my pig-out on, so I really wish people would just shut up about it all ready. I really enjoyed David Kirchoff's take on Thanksgiving. It's probably one of the few pieces (of the dozens) I've read over the past couple of weeks that I really identified with when it comes to all of this Thanksgiving madness.

Yes, others can choose to approach the holiday however they please. I'm just choosing not to freak out or make crust-less sugar-free pumpkin pie mini-bites. I'm also not hosting/making the meal, so yes, I totally have it easy and don't have the same responsibility that others may have. If I did, then yeah, I'd probably be making mashed butternut squash, low-fat gravy and high-fiber rolls too.

-Got my heart rate monitor back (the one that shows calories burned). It was nice taking a break from it at first, but eventually I was starting to grow weary of estimating how much I was burning, so it's nice to have it again. Biggest disappointment since getting it back? Tae Bo Ultimate Boot Camp. Did this for an hour and barely burned 250 calories. BUT, it is more about strength and resistance training (a.k.a. not good sources of instant mega calorie burn), so I can't badmouth it too much. And using it with the Billy Bands is tough, so I will force myself to do it in the future. I'm always lacking in the world of strength & resistance training.

Looking forward to trying Fat Blaster set. Since those are supposed to be more cardio-based, I hope the calorie burn is decent. I really want something that will push me and burn a good chunk of calories on mornings I can't make it to the gym.


-I think that's about it. Basically, I've been losing and gaining, keeping up with my workouts and just trying to keep sane and have a better attitude about myself. Oh, and eating chocolate. Ugh. And I was reminded by the sudden cramping in my uterus this morning that I will have a lovely menstrual cycle to deal with this week as well. So between cramps, sweet cravings, Taco Bell bringing back my beloved Cheesy Gordita Crunch and Turkey Day, it will be interesting to see where I end up in a few days, haha.

Nostalgia.

Yesterday, I was feeling a bit nostalgic since it had been one year since Obama's historic election. It didn't feel that long ago, as the year has basically flown by for me (and probably for some of you too). Anywho, it led me to look over my old LiveJournal entries and look back at where I was on my weight-loss journey, a year ago, on November 4, 2008.

I was still in the 200s. I was just starting to jog, 10 minutes at a time. Today, I'm about 54 pounds lighter. And I run. And even though I don't really like to, I can run up to an hour, non-stop. If you told me I would be able to do that 2 and a half years ago, I would've laughed in your face, right before shoving multiple handfuls of peanut M&Ms in my mouth.

It just reminded me that a) it's important to log your progress during a weight-loss journey and b) it's even more important to go back every once in a while and see how far you've come. A lot of us make progress every day, but sometimes we get so caught up in our routines (*cough* raises hand), that we completely forget about said progress and miss out on opportunities for emotional and psychological growth and stability.

In other news, I've been doing pretty good this week. I totally blew it on Halloween, but my weigh-ins over the past few days have shown that I've more than recovered. I've been keeping up with exercise, but have been trying to scale things back a bit to help ease me out of that workout maniac phase that I've been going through the past couple of months.

I've been making it a goal to incorporate yoga 2x a week and I'm starting to fall in love with it. I've just been using the Biggest Loser Weight-Loss Yoga DVD, but it's been great since I'm a beginner. I had done level one sporadically over the past year, but I've FINALLY added on level 2 and I like learning the new moves. It's tough, but I like testing my muscles while also improving my balance, breathing and flexibility. Without sounding too hippy-ish, I think yoga is helping me work on some other issues in my life, such as...

...Compulsive overeating. Yes, that's more or less why I've been in a funk recently. It's come back to haunt me. Compulsive overeating started in my childhood and stayed with me until I was in my 20s and tipping the scales at 248 pounds. Once I started losing weight, I thought I had conquered it almost completely. I figured since binges only happened once in a while, I no longer had to identify overeating as a problem.

The thing is, just because it doesn't happen everyday (or week or month), doesn't mean it's not still a problem. And of course, I've been in complete denial for about the past month. I've finally 'fessed up to myself and just acknowledging that it's still an issue for me has helped quite a bit. Now, I'm moving on to resources, both online and in book form. At first, I felt silly (and admittedly, a bit weak) having to rely on external resources to help me achieve internal happiness and peace with myself, but I've come to realize that I shouldn't feel ashamed at all. Reading about other people's experiences and internalizing their advice has lifted so much grief off of my chest; it's been great.

But, as with anything else, baby steps. Post-goal life has turned out to be more emotionally demanding than I had expected, but if I was strong and determined enough to lose the weight, I can sure as hell put forth the same strength and dedication in maintaining the loss and working through these remaining issues. I just need to learn to forgive myself and be patient with myself this time, instead of the numbers on the scale each week.

It's been a pretty good week so far. And today is shaping up to be nice as well; I forced myself to take a day off from the gym (first day off from working out since October 9), I'm leaving work early, gonna enjoy the nice weather by walking (not sprinting) to the post-office and then heading to my mom's for a grilled salmon dinner. I'm looking forward to the walk because it's surprisingly warm today. I can't remember the last time I walked somewhere, just for the sake of enjoying the outdoors and as a means of transportation. The goal is not to sweat and freak out over what level my heart rate is at, but rather just enjoy the outdoors whilst simultaneously getting an errand done.

Progress with Progresso

Starting to feel better, finally. While doing chores the burning, tight sensation in my upper stomach wouldn't go away so now I'm wondering if I aggravated an ulcer. I've had stomach ulcers before, so the pain is pretty familiar by now. Not sure how I get them, but drinking and crap eating usually bring them to my attention. If that's the case, the puking makes sense too. I've never been much of a puker (even with lots of alcohol), but getting ulcers changed that.

Not 100% sure that an ulcer the case, but either way I decided to make some light Progresso soup and added as much cayenne pepper as I could stand and now I feel loads better. I know, contrary to popular belief, cayenne is awesome for treating mild (i.e., non-bleeding) ulcers, as well as stomach pain and heart burn in general.

Doug wants to go to Wal-Mart, so maybe walking around some more will do me some good.

FOOD:

breakfast:
saltines- 1

snack:
apple- 1

lunch:
2 c. soup- 3

snack:
dove bar- 4
beef jerky- 1

dinner:
broccoli slaw w/ 1 tbsp dressing- 1
potato- 2
f.f. shredded cheese- 1
light sour cream- 1
salsa- 0
l.c. wrap- 1
boca crumbles- 1
cheese single- 1
pickles- 0

total points used: 18/22
activity points: 40-ish min. run- 4.5
WAPs: 0/35 remaining

EXERCISE:

Still up in the air. Did some vacuuming and cleaned the bathrooms, but I didn't sweat, so it's not even worth counting at this point.

I sucked it up and went for a run outside on the trail.

Fail.

I am a jackass.

Last night, I ate all of my weekly allowance points. Yep, in one night. And as I've discovered this morning, I basically ate myself sick.

First of all, it's not the points I'm so upset about, it's what I spent them on that makes me mad. I didn't even spend them on something indulgent and awesome (like wings or good pizza)... I just spent them all on stuff around the house. I told myself I wasn't going to go somewhere and spend money on crap food, so instead I just ate a TON of "low-fat" and "healthy-ish" crap that was already available in our fridge, freezer and cupboards. It was so stupid. I drank some wine too, so that kinda kept the munching going.

Anywho. On the upside, I wrote stuff down as I gorged myself, so I was able to go back and accurately track everything on The Daily Plate this morning.

Speaking of this morning, it has sucked so far. I woke up early and thought "Ok Tam, just start some laundry, take things slow for an hour or so and then head to the gym." Well, I got the laundry started, feeling full and tired, but ok for the most part. Then I sat down to check my e-mail and that's when the heartburn kicked in and my stomach started rolling over on top of itself.

I limped to the bathroom, chugged some Alka-Seltzer (the heartburn kind) and a few minutes later, puked.

I wasn't mad at myself for eating so much last night, but I'm absolutely ashamed this morning for eating so much that my body literally couldn't handle it. What the hell is wrong with me? Who does that sort of thing? Ugh. I've never, ever (even back in my heavier days) ate myself to the point of puking. I'm feeling weak (both physically and emotionally) and confused (why didn't I stop eating sooner? why did my self-control just up and disappear?). I can't explain it. It wasn't an emotional binge... If anything, I've always been prone to boredom eating. And it was indeed a boring Friday night, sitting at home watching TV... But there's been loads of nights like that and I didn't eat myself sick on those nights... Who knows.

So, plan of action for today? Not sure yet. I'm going to continue my laundry, move on to some much needed housework and just take things slow. My first reaction was "I need to get my ass to the gym and burn 1,000 calories!" but I'm not so sure that heavy exercise is the best move right now. I'm feeling a little bit better after the puke, but still off overall. If I feel up to it later, I'll ride my stationary bike. Something low-impact that will be easy on my stomach. Tomorrow will be a big gym day for sure though.

As for food, ha! Of course nothing sounds good right now. I know it's never good to not eat as a means of making up for overeating the day before, but I can almost guarantee that I will be well below my daily points today. I'm sure there will be soup at some point today, but other than that, forget about it.

Grr.

This past weekend just didn't jive with me, in terms of self-control. I found myself wasting points and just not caring. And never again will I order Holey Donuts. That was the main issue. You'd think I'd have my will power in check by now, but not with those blasted things in the house. Overall, I just found myself bouncing back and forth between caring, not caring and giving in to emotional whims, which I haven't done in ages. And now the scale is up almost 5 pounds from Friday. Go me.

But, it's a new day and still early in the week. As always, there's never any point in dwelling on what I did wrong. Just need to look forward and get over it. I also need to keep in mind that since I had such a huge loss last week, that a gain is definitely possible this week. And while I can't necessarily avoid that, I can at least lessen the blow by staying focused from here on out.

FOOD:

breakfast:
chicken breakfast sausages- 2
kashi cereal w/ almond milk- 1

snack:
apple- 1
carrot/cucumber- 0
hummus- 1

lunch:
leftover meatball stew- 6

snack:
lightfull smoothie- 1

dinner:
chicken- 3
asparagus w/ olive oil- 1
baked fries- 3

post-dinner:
PB2 wrap- 2
1/2 holey donut (they're almost gone!)- 1
s.f. mousse- 1
strawberries- 0

total points used: 23/22
activity points: 55 min. HIIT routine- 7
net points: 22
WAPs: 9/35 remaining

Need to think of something for dinner that involves chicken and asparagus. Probably something simple... And maybe some sort of potatoes on the side.

EXERCISE:

The guilt from all of the sugar I ate last night set in and I decided I needed to torch some calories at the gym, instead of doing my usual Monday Biggest Loser Boot Camp routine. Not sure if I'll do Boot Camp tomorrow or push it off until later in the week. For now, the plan is gym again tomorrow, weight lift on Wednesday, gym on Thursday and then Boot Camp on Friday. I think that'll be a nice change of pace.

Anywho, today's routine:
-10 min. warm-up run
-15 min. incline training
-15 min stair master
-10 min. elliptical
-5 min. rowing

My goodness.

This morning, I am six months pregnant with cheese pizza, cheesecake bites and an entire bottle of wine, amongst other things.

Yeah, I went waaaaay overboard at the party last night. But despite having negative allowance points, I can't say I really care. I mean, I suppose I care, but I'm not at all upset. I was definitely in a "fuck it!" kind of mood, so I thoroughly enjoyed every last bloat-inducing bite and I had fun with my friends. AND, I went back and tracked everything this morning, which I wasn't originally going to do. I'm glad I did. Even though it's overwhelming (and at times, just plain disgusting) to see how quickly points can disappear, it always makes me feel better to track every last point, no matter how bad the damage. Makes a huge difference in the long run.

That was my first big binge I've had in a loooong time, so I see no reason to beat myself up. And who knows- with the way my weigh-ins have been going lately, it might have even done me some good, haha. We'll see.

FOOD:

breakfast:
cantaloupe cubes- 1
grapes- 1

lunch:
alternative bagel- 1
2 oz. avocado- 2

snack:
veggies- 1
hummus- 3
pretzels- 1
popcorn- 1

dinner:
light bread- 1
tuna- 2
mayo- 1
salsa- 0
cheese slice- 1
orange-1

post-dinner:
ice cream- 3
PB2- 1
light syrup- 1
s.f. pudding cup- 1
strabwerries/blueberries- 1

total points used: 24/23
activity points: 54 min. jog/walk/run- 6
net points: 23
WAPs: -42/35

I woke up full this morning. Buh. On the upside, we have a crapload of veggies leftover since not as many people showed up as I thought would. All I can think of eating today without feeling sick are fruits and veggies. Anything else sounds too heavy.


EXERCISE:

By some miracle, I made it out of the house this morning to run. Well... Sorta... It ended up being more of a jog/run with LOTS of walking intervals. I was really just too heavy with food and booze to do a full-out run without passing out and/or crapping my pants. I took things slow and steady, but still managed to burn a decent amount of calories. I wanted to wait until later in the day to exercise since my stomach was still so full, but I knew if I put it off any longer, I wouldn't do anything at all. And not doing anything just isn't an option anymore.

=====================================

So, all in all, I'm in a pretty good mood. I had a good time, got some junk food fixes out of my system and tried to keep things as stable as I could by keeping up with my exercise. And if I gain this week, oh well. I have no qualms about holding myself accountable. It's easier and almost empowering to take full responsibility for my actions, be they positive or negative.

Lastly, I don't think we went to bed until sometime between 2:30 and 3 am, so I think a nap is in order later today, haha.

Hooray for new things.

Went over my points a bit with some ice cream last night. But y'know what? It was light, creamy and delicious and it made my soul feel better. So there, haha.

FOOD:

breakfast:
egg beaters- 1
salsa- 0
onion alternative bagel- 1
1 oz. avocado- 1

lunch:
sandwich thin- 1
chicken slices- 1
r.f. pepperjack cheese- 1
1 oz. avocado- 1
cantaloupe cubes/grapes- 3

snack:
bell pepper strips- 0
popcorn- 1

dinner:
wine- 8
coors light- 2
pizza- 33
pretzels- 1
corn chips- 3
potato chips- 4
hummus- 2
sour cream dip- 3
peach cobbler- 6
ice cream- 2
spinach artichoke dip- 2
crackers- 2
cheesecake bites- 21
brie w/ bread- 4

total points used: 104/23
activity points: 53 min. run- 7
net points: 97
WAPs: -42/35 remaining

So, in my quest to eat more healthy fats, I've discovered that spreading mashed avocado on top of a toasted onion bagel is the shiiiiit! It's so good. I just sprinkle a dash of salt and pepper on top and it's good to go. Great alternative to cream cheese, I think (well, while avocados are on sale 3 for $1, anyway). Though, I've been known to mix weird random things and think it tastes awesome, so proceed with caution if you decide to try it, heh.

EXERCISE:

Morning run. And OMG, it was a great one! It was hard to get going because it was cloudy and kinda foggy, but I forced myself out of the house around 8 am. It dawned on me last night that I should try running around the college campus where I work. I see people running/biking around there all the time, but it never occurred to me to try it, despite the fact that our neighborhood is right across the street.

Anywho, it was fun! I did about 1.5 laps, going from one end of campus to the other. Even went on one of the trail paths in the hills behind the rec center. It was just a much-needed change of pace because there were various hills to push me out of my comfort zone and all sorts of turns that forced me to use my back and ab muscles more.

That said, there were a lot of parts that went downhill, but I seemed to hit them all at the right time, as I was getting tired and ready for a short cool-down.

I'm definitely going to do it again in the future. There were some good inclines that I would like to master at a decent speed some day. The change of scenery was appreciated, as I was starting to get bored with the usual trail I run on. And I actually love running on cloudy mornings now. It was just cool, gray and peaceful. Yet another reason for me and Doug to move to Portland, OR someday.

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Pretty good start to the weekend so far. And my weight was down a bit this morning. Hopefully that trend continues the rest of the week. I'm actually ok with weighing myself daily these days. I was reading some articles that say it's perfectly ok to do, as long as you don't allow it to stress you out and understand how much weight can fluctuate day-to-day. I think it helps to give me a better idea of what works, in terms of food intake and exercise. At the same time though, I still know that what I see each day won't necessarily dictate the results of my Friday weigh-ins. I guess what it boils down to is me just being curious.

We're having the going away party for our friends tonight, hence me burning 700 calories on my run this morning. I'm not against using some allowance points, but a little extra calorie burn doesn't hurt either, right?