I debated posting this morning, but figured it would be best to just come clean.
I binged yesterday.
It certainly wasn't the worst binge, but there was still a lack of control and a lingering feeling of fullness into the evening. Not painfully full, but enough to make me feel like I did something wrong.
At first, I told myself I would not feel guilty. And I didn't! Until this morning anyway... Did I genuinely want to go the gym and run this morning? Yeah. But was I more motivated by guilt to push myself through a 70 minute sweat session aimed simply at burning extra calories? Yep. Very much so.
Do I feel better? Well, I certainly feel less shitty, but still quite discouraged and frustrated with myself. I'm glad that I resisted the temptation to use laxatives, but still upset that I considered that an option in the first place.
A good amount of this frustration comes from my reaction to reading dozens of posts over the past week from people (well, all women actually) who are constantly counting calories or points, beating themselves up when they "go over" said points/calories, overexercise, restrict and hang their happiness on a number on a scale. And when the number doesn't match their perceived effort or they eat "bad" foods, the cycle just repeats itself.
In fact, I've had to flat out delete some blogs from my Google Reader because I just couldn't take reading these posts anymore. They only served as reminders of the typical dieter I used to be and it's pretty heartbreaking. And it's frustrating because I still can't seem to break up with that part of myself.
On the side other of the spectrum, there are all of the other blogs that don't obsess over points or calories, enjoy all foods in moderation, stay active more for health rather than weight and manage to maintain balance and happiness without [seemingly] batting an eye. And those are the blogs that leave me asking, "Why is it so hard for me to be more like them?" I certainly don't want to get too wrapped up in comparing myself to others, but at the same time, I still like to seek out good role models. BUT, I also need to remember my own personal history with food/weight. I can't simply follow the good habits of others and expect that history (more specifically, those old behaviors) to disappear completely. Yeah, it would be nice if it worked that way, but I know better.
As I've mentioned on this blog before, I read Eat What You Love, Love What You Eat and really felt it to be a huge eye opener, in terms of defining the trends that led to my binge eating in the first place and how to be normal around food.
I know how to listen to hunger cues. I've made a great deal of progress in removing the "good" and "bad" labels from food. I've learned to love exercise for the way it makes me feel (and not just how many calories it burns). But, there's still that typical dieter in me that won't let me live life 100% guilt-free when it comes to food. Right now, I'd say I'm pretty much 50% mindful/intuitive eater and 50% typical hard-ass dieter. I'd like to say that it's a 60/40 split or even 70/30, but then I'd just be lying.
I'm making progress. I can't deny that. But I'm still trying to rush the process of recovery and that's what causes these self-imposed guilt trips every time I "slip-up." There's still so much damn diet talk ("guilt-free," "fell off the wagon," "indulge," "sinful," "back on track," etc.) that pops into my head and it pisses me off. It pisses me off because after reading EWYL, I now know that such language is utter and complete bullshit, yet I still let it affect me from time to time.
There is light at the end of this damn tunnel. Everything's not lost. I don't feel like this whole process is hopeless. I still recognize how awesome and strong I am. And yes, I'm still too hard on my self. Lots of things I'm completely aware of. At the beginning of this post, I was indeed frustrated. Several typed characters and a few deep breaths later, I do indeed feel better. Certainly not feeling like a tiger, ready to roar and dig its claws into the day, but rather a penguin, hopping from rock to rock. Or something like that. I don't know. I never said analogies were my forté.