Sunday, May 2, 2010

Frustration, all around.

I debated posting this morning, but figured it would be best to just come clean.

I'm frustrated.

I binged yesterday.

It certainly wasn't the worst binge, but there was still a lack of control and a lingering feeling of fullness into the evening. Not painfully full, but enough to make me feel like I did something wrong.

At first, I told myself I would not feel guilty. And I didn't! Until this morning anyway... Did I genuinely want to go the gym and run this morning? Yeah. But was I more motivated by guilt to push myself through a 70 minute sweat session aimed simply at burning extra calories? Yep. Very much so.

Do I feel better? Well, I certainly feel less shitty, but still quite discouraged and frustrated with myself. I'm glad that I resisted the temptation to use laxatives, but still upset that I considered that an option in the first place.

A good amount of this frustration comes from my reaction to reading dozens of posts over the past week from people (well, all women actually) who are constantly counting calories or points, beating themselves up when they "go over" said points/calories, overexercise, restrict and hang their happiness on a number on a scale. And when the number doesn't match their perceived effort or they eat "bad" foods, the cycle just repeats itself.

In fact, I've had to flat out delete some blogs from my Google Reader because I just couldn't take reading these posts anymore. They only served as reminders of the typical dieter I used to be and it's pretty heartbreaking. And it's frustrating because I still can't seem to break up with that part of myself.

On the side other of the spectrum, there are all of the other blogs that don't obsess over points or calories, enjoy all foods in moderation, stay active more for health rather than weight and manage to maintain balance and happiness without [seemingly] batting an eye. And those are the blogs that leave me asking, "Why is it so hard for me to be more like them?" I certainly don't want to get too wrapped up in comparing myself to others, but at the same time, I still like to seek out good role models. BUT, I also need to remember my own personal history with food/weight. I can't simply follow the good habits of others and expect that history (more specifically, those old behaviors) to disappear completely. Yeah, it would be nice if it worked that way, but I know better.

As I've mentioned on this blog before, I read Eat What You Love, Love What You Eat and really felt it to be a huge eye opener, in terms of defining the trends that led to my binge eating in the first place and how to be normal around food.

I know how to listen to hunger cues. I've made a great deal of progress in removing the "good" and "bad" labels from food. I've learned to love exercise for the way it makes me feel (and not just how many calories it burns). But, there's still that typical dieter in me that won't let me live life 100% guilt-free when it comes to food. Right now, I'd say I'm pretty much 50% mindful/intuitive eater and 50% typical hard-ass dieter. I'd like to say that it's a 60/40 split or even 70/30, but then I'd just be lying.

I'm making progress. I can't deny that. But I'm still trying to rush the process of recovery and that's what causes these self-imposed guilt trips every time I "slip-up." There's still so much damn diet talk ("guilt-free," "fell off the wagon," "indulge," "sinful," "back on track," etc.) that pops into my head and it pisses me off. It pisses me off because after reading EWYL, I now know that such language is utter and complete bullshit, yet I still let it affect me from time to time.

There is light at the end of this damn tunnel. Everything's not lost. I don't feel like this whole process is hopeless. I still recognize how awesome and strong I am. And yes, I'm still too hard on my self. Lots of things I'm completely aware of. At the beginning of this post, I was indeed frustrated. Several typed characters and a few deep breaths later, I do indeed feel better. Certainly not feeling like a tiger, ready to roar and dig its claws into the day, but rather a penguin, hopping from rock to rock. Or something like that. I don't know. I never said analogies were my forté.

7 comments:

Amanda (Two Boos Who Eat) said...

I know the feeling. Yesterday Andy and I took a friend out for a birthday lunch and over-indulged. I didn't feel too guilty about it because we ran in the morning but this morning I woke up feeling like crap. We did Jackie Warner's DVD and it made me feel a little better but not much.

At the same time, I don't want to get obsessive over calories again. I really don't want to have food guilt anymore. It's not like I ate 5 big macs! I'm rambling but I'm glad you are like-minded. This is about health overall.

Bess @ I Dream of Greenie said...

Tamara,

I am sure this post was hard to write and I admire your honesty tremendously.

I too cannot follow bloggers "who are constantly counting calories or points, beating themselves up when they "go over" said points/calories, overexercise, restrict and hang their happiness on a number on a scale."

As someone who battled anorexia and later, compulsive overeating, I find that those blogs make me judge myself and my food choices so harshly and frankly, that could threaten to impede all the progress I've made over the last few years.

And you really hit the nail on the head with this comment: I can't simply follow the good habits of others and expect that history (more specifically, those old behaviors) to disappear completely.

And no matter how many blogs, books, magazines you read, only YOU know what works best for your health and well being.

I am proud to see you acknowledge the binge and even more importantly, that in the same post, you patted yourself on the back for making progress.

None of us are perfect. We all have trigger foods and days where we overindulge too much (and can't help but feel guilty about it).

That said, the best advice I can give you is to absolve all guilt about it because guilt is a wasted emotion (particularly food guilt) and forge ahead.

And focus on making choices based on nurturing yourself and your body, not the number on the scale or comparing yourself to others.

You have made tremendous progress already and are certainly an inspiration to women!

Tamara said...

@Bess @ I Dream of Greenie

Aw, thanks Bess! That really means a lot.

I will indeed forge ahead! As long as I have more faith in myself and my ability to make the right choices, there won't be any room for guilt.

Thanks again for your feedback. It's always helpful to get others' perspective on this topic.

Tamara said...

@Amanda (Two Boos Who Eat)

Aw, sorry to hear you had a similar episode this weekend :\

We will work through this, though. Even though I was happy to lose the weight, obsessing over everything that went into my mouth just made me drained and miserable.

Meredith @ Sweat Every Day said...

man I needed this post today. I was at a bridal shower this morning and was feeling so shitty about a) being single b) some bad news I had gotten and c) about my body image that I just kept eating and eating. I mean, it could have been worse. but by mini brownie #4 I realized what I was doing.

now my day has gotten even shittier and I literally just put all my chocolate in the freezer to keep from eating it. but it actually helps to know that there are others out there just like me and that I'm not alone. I needed to read this, especially "everything's not lost". thanks for sharing :)

Tamara said...

@Meredith @ Sweat Every Day

Sending you hugs, woman! It does indeed help to know that you're not alone in situations like these. Hang in there!

Bess @ I Dream of Greenie said...

What a great mantra, Tamara!

"As long as I have more faith in myself and my ability to make the right choices, there won't be any room for guilt."