Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Oh, for crying out loud.

Overate again last night. I don't know what my deal is this week. One minute I care, the next, I don't. I'm slipping into the same cycle of anxiety and self-sabotage that I suffered through after losing 80 pounds. I was so excited (and impatient) to reach my next milestone, that I started stressing myself out and making inconsistent choices.

Said cycle involved overexercising to compensate for overeating, which is exactly what I'm doing this week and I hate myself for it. Mostly because I should know better. I do know better. Sigh. I suppose the best I can do is forgive myself and move on, but slowly and with caution. I've been getting ahead of myself again, with regards to advanced planning of food and fitness. Normally, that's a good thing, but if I try to plan shit out weeks ahead of time, I just end up making myself crazy, especially if I don't meet those commitments.

I need to take my own advice that I often give to others: Take things one day at a time. Each day (or in some cases, each hour) is a new beginning and a new opportunity to start fresh and re-focus. I need to stop and look back at how far I've already come. It's still a challenge though; I still have my days where I feel like I'm back at 248 pounds and I'm briefly haunted by that old hopeless feeling. It's a lot harder to shake than I thought it would be, but I can't be entirely surprised by it either; I was overweight since age 8 and have only been at a normal weight for a few months. For so many years, I wanted to prove to myself that I could one day be at a healthy weight. Most days, it seemed impossible and I really was convinced that I would be fat for the rest of my life. Well, I've reached the normal weight, but I still have that nagging feeling that there's still more to prove, hence me trying to tone up and lose the last 10 pounds to make the loss an even 100. I know it's not good to focus on numbers, but I have and still am.

I just need to breathe and remind myself that this is not a race. And if I have a nervous breakdown before reaching the 100 pound mark, I won't have let anyone down.

Whew. That ended up going on longer than I intended. Sorry. On to the normal stuff, haha.


egg whites- 1
spinach/mushroom/parmesan- 1
pesto romano chicken sausage- 2

apple- 1
carrot/celery- 0
PB2- 1

leftover cassoulet- 5

lightfull smoothie- 1

Chicken w/ Portobello Mushrooms & Artichoke Hearts- 5
potato- 2

vitatop- 1
frozen yogurt- 2
laughing cow- 1

total points used: 23/22
activity points: 60 min. HIIT routine- 8
net points: 22
WAPs: -13/35 remaining

planning on trying a chicken/portobello mushroom/artichoke heart recipe that I found, mostly because, shock!, I actually have all of those ingredients on hand. I'll have to make some adjustments though, so I'll post both versions tomorrow. Might have some broccoli or green beans on the side. Or potatoes. We'll see.


Well, as expected, my food guilt from last night turned into gym guilt this morning.

Today's routine:
-10 min. run
-15 min. incline training
-15 min. stair master
-20 min. elliptical

Made a few slight changes: started out with a 20% grade on the incline interval (versus my usual 18 or 19%) and also did a new course on the stair master. I usually do what's called the 'Fat Burner' on level 7, but today I tried the 'Fat Burner Plus' course and varied the levels between 6 and 8. It was tough, but I liked the change of pace.

Even though I was probably overdoing it by shooting for 800 calories, I didn't struggle to get through any of the intervals. My heart rate was up higher than usual most of the time, but I still felt good. Cleared my head a bit too, so overall it was a nice session.


Other than all of that, I'm just looking forward to relaxing with Biggest Loser tonight.

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